Relationship Checkup

I debated about how to approach this checkup - as the relationship seems to have ended (or ended for now)... I have not heard from "Sam" since my last blog entry (March 20) and I suspect that I won't. It is unfortunate that there was no formal closure and no celebration... but perhaps that will come at some point in the future. For now, I continue to reflect on what I have learned and continue to learn from this experience.

And now - the "checkup"

My mentee and I met for not quite 3 months.

I do not feel that we established as much trust between us as I had hoped we would. Her own personal situation and history I think makes trusting others a real challenge for her. Her initial candor was perhaps in a way of protecting herself from being hurt or let down. My desire to see her succeed and to be a factor in her success inspired me to not look deep enough soon enough. Looking back I think I could have done a better job of recognizing my own “need for success” and how that colored the assumptions I made about what she was and wasn’t ready for.

While I felt (and feel) comfortable talking with my mentee about any frustrations I might have – I’m not convinced that she was comfortable doing the same with me. I suspect that she did not want me to ever think that she was upset or frustrated with me. I have no reason to think that she was upset or frustrated with me… but I do think that she wanted me to believe that every thing was going fine… possibly because it helped her convince herself that everything was fine. While she was comfortable talking to me about her frustrations with others (family, teachers, etc) – in retrospect I don’t think she would have told me if she were upset with me or dissatisfied with the work we did together.

I do think I made some headway in helping my mentee set goals and take steps to implement them. This was possible once I realized that the initial goals she set were very grand and that it was important to break them down into some smaller goals. I realized that my mentee was not yet in the habit of the entire process of achieving goals. She liked to set them but did not have the necessary tools to complete them. She needed to learn how to set smaller daily goals as a path toward the greater ones. While she did not achieve the greater ones during the short time we worked together, she did complete some smaller ones. Then, unfortunately, her personal (family and living) situation changed so radically that the remaining goals faded (hopefully temporarily).

The five things that were great: hmmmm…

1. I think “Sam” came closer to working on things one day at a time.
2. I think “Sam” started developing some time-management skills – I hope she will find a way to continue in that direction.
3. I certainly learned a great deal about the way I work with others and about some of the incorrect assumptions I had been making (almost unconsciously) about how to best work with and mentor others.
4. “Sam” got to work with a non-family member adult who listened to her carefully and tried to help her achieve her goals rather than try to make their goals for her hers.
5. I learned that my own definitions of “success” can be an obstacle in a mentor/mentee relation ship because it is too easy to project those definitions onto someone else.

The one thing I wish I could change… I wish that rather than abandoning the idea of “Sam” journaling electronically (blogging), I had worked more closely with her to help her gain enough keyboarding skills to be comfortable with blogging or that I had found another way to help her practice self-reflection. Looking back, I realize that I could have done a better job modeling reflective behavior for her. I assumed because she keeps a (paper) journal and writes poetry and short stories that she was naturally reflective. I should not have made this assumption. Later, as the challenges in her life took over with renewed vigor, it became clear to me that she has not yet learned to use reflection as a way of learning about herself and growing. Perhaps because I spend so much time thinking, reflecting, making connections, and journaling, I sub-consciously assume that others do the same and so don’t make enough of an effort to truly model that behavior. Thinking about that – I realize that I’ve also made the assumption that by practicing something I am by definition “modeling” it. Funny – I never made that connection before… practicing something for oneself and modeling it for others really isn’t the same thing at all… just as performing a choreography and teaching a choreography are two different things… they may come from the same general place… but they are not the same thing. Another lesson learned.

If I had to guess what “Sam” liked best about how we worked together I would say that it is the fact that I listened to her hopes, dreams, and goals and tried to work with her to help her achieve them without telling her that I thought she should have different goals. In fact – I think the listening in general is what same liked best. I listened, asked questions, and did my best to help her come to her own answers rather than tell her what I thought her answers were (or should be). This was a real challenge for me as I like to just “fix things.” I love solving problems and it is difficult for me to sit back and let someone else solve the problem in a different and to my perception less efficient way. I embraced this challenge with “Sam” and while I’m not sure it was entirely successful in the case of our relationship… it has helped me learn how to work with other people in a more collegial and productive way.

Sometimes I think “Sam” wishes I would take care of her problems and challenges for her – from giving her answers to her homework to telling her family how they should treat her. I hope she knows that I really do have her best interests in mind when I don’t do these things for her. We all would like someone else to carry our load for a while… but it is only by figuring out how to carry it ourselves (and what part of it really requires carrying at all) that we grow and evolve.

This is winding down I guess - so what have I learned?

I feel as if I'm only trying to avoid the inevitable. I've only heard from "Sam" once since my last blog post. She has been to school a couple of times.. but it is sporadic. I had hoped to work with her school schedule to find a regular day of the week and time that we could meet - but she has not yet come up with a regular weekly school schedule that she can maintain.

I have no way to contact her (she still has no cell phone and she and her boyfriend are staying with his sister on and off while they look for a place of their own). I can leave her messages at school, but I hate to call continuously if she either isn't showing up to school or isn't going to return my calls. For a mentoring relationship to work, it must be two way - and I'm not sure that is the case with this one any more. I feel bad because I can't help but feel that it is my own failings that have led to situation... not "Sam's" personal situation but, rather, the fact that she is no longer communicating with me. Based on our last conversation, I don't think she is avoiding me intentionally - but I do think that she associates me and our relationship as something connected to school and while she does say that she still wants to graduate, she doesn't seem to be able to find a way to make going to school a priority in her life right now.

I did learn not too long ago that her cousin went to the same self-study program about a year (or perhaps a bit more) ago. Apparently he was an extremely motivated student. He spent 6 to 8 hours per day 5 to 6 days per week on campus working on a combination of self-study packets, computer lab courses, and classroom courses. By keeping this focus (and this schedule) for a full school year, he was able to complete nearly two years worth of "credits" and graduate. "Sam" and I talked about this and about the fact that his situation was different from hers in many ways. She indicated that she understood that a big part of why he was able to complete so much work was because he focused completely on school and was not distracted from that focus in any way. We talked about the kind of schedule he maintained, the goals he set for himself on a short-term basis to enable him to achieve his long term goals. I think that "Sam" knows how to say the words that make it sound like she understands this - but I suspect that on some level, she still thinks that she should be able to complete all the credits without really focusing on the work. I'm not sure how to help her with this, especially since she does not seem to be in a place where she wants the kind of help I have to offer. Still, I feel somehow like this is my failing.

Looking back on it, I can see that self-reflection is something "Sam" needs to do a lot more of. Although she has told me that she writes in a journal regularly, I've never read her journal (I've seen the notebook that she calls her journal, but I felt it would be an imposition to ask her to allow me to read it and she never offered the opportunity to me). Perhaps I gave up on the blogging idea to easily - I honestly felt that without the incentive of writing credit, she would view journaling online a real chore (as she is still quite challenged by keyboarding skills) - especially since she already kept a handwritten journal. Hindsight leads me to suspect that her journaling is not self-reflective in nature. I think I made the assumption that because she enjoys creative writing, poetry writing, and keeping a journal, that she must be comfortable with reflection. I can see now that this assumption was rooted in me projecting my own propensity for reflection onto her - only because I also write poetry and prose and keep a journal (more than one journal in fact).

So - where do I go from here (I asked that last time too)... I'm not really sure. I feel dissatisfied with myself for "allowing" this to happen and yet I can't really pinpoint exactly how I could have prevented it. This frustrates me because it is my nature to want to "figure things out" (I like to know both the "why" and the "how"). I don't want to give up, but it feels rather pathetic to keep pursuing the relationship if the other party is not committed (or perhaps not even really interested). Right now "Sam" needs a stable living situation, someone to support her financially (or some way to do that for herself), and someone to help her achieve mental (psychological) stability as well - I cannot give her a place to live (I'm not prepared to offer her a room at my house), I cannot give her money to live on (I have barely enough to support myself and pay for school ... etc), I'm not even sure I can do much to help her find the other type of stability she needs... I suspect that she is in need of more than a positive role model as I suspect that she is not truly in a place where she can recognized why someone else is successful (the situation with her cousin was a big clue).

I'm torn. I want to call the school and check up on her again - but if I honestly ask (and answer) myself what I will do with that information then I come up against the fact that I'm not prepared to go chasing around town looking for her and making sure that she makes it to school every day (and I suspect that's what it would take right now). I think to be a true mentor to this young woman, in her current situation, I would have to have several hours a day available for her and I just don't have that. I keep asking myself, "If this were not a course assignment, what would I do?" I keep avoiding the answer because I know that I would not continue to pursue the relationship. I like "Sam" and I definitely fell a certain affinity for her - but I did not have a chance to really establish a deep connection before all these challenges presented themselves in her life and in our relationship. I don't feel truly, deeply, vested in this relationship. I was starting to feel that - but the last few weeks changed that.

So - what have I learned about myself? Well - on thing I beginning to realize is that the reason I looked for a mentoring relationship outside of my workplace was that I didn't really feel all that vested in my relationships at work (the current corporate climate made that difficult... but it is also my own fault for not moving beyond that). The interesting (and rather amazing) thing is that as I worked with "Sam" and later as I tried to work through the obstacles and frustrations with "Sam," I began to develop and nurture a completely different approach at work. I've come to feel much more involved with my colleagues. It began with one specific colleague (the one I've mentioned in here previously) but it is not extending to the rest of the team that I work with. I'm feeling more and more like an integral part of the team. I used to think the reason I didn't feel that way was because of some external situation (corporate culture, other members attitudes, etc) - I've come to understand that the most significant influence on these feelings of being on the "outside" come from inside of me and are not imposed by some external force. I wonder if I would have realized this sooner if I'd sought out a mentoring relationship within the workplace - or if I would have managed to avoid this lesson altogether by viewing myself in the role of the mentor only. The value that "Sam" brought was that I was able to see my role at work as mentee first and then as mentor to the person that was mentoring me (once I realized that he was looking for someone to learn from as well as someone to teach).

Believing as I do that things are as they should be and that I am right were I need to be - I cannot spend too much time obsessing what I should have done differently. I can't change what I did - and I'm not sure that I would (since I would not have the benefit of what I've learned). What I do have a responsibility to do though is to learn from this experience and apply what I've learned to what I do from now on. I have learned the importance of paying careful and active attention to not only the needs of others but also to their own personal context. I've learned that it is difficult to not project your own ideas, experience (context) on someone else, and yet you must strive for that if you're going to offer them help achieving their own goals. I've learned there is a big difference between helping someone achieve their goals and showing them how you think they should go about achieving them (or maybe even telling them what you think their goals should be). I've also re-confirmed how important self-reflection is in developing ones goals.... and that without ongoing self-reflection we may not know what our real goals are and so may not be able to articulate them.

Both this experience and my current ARP work have taught (and are still teaching) me to listen better. I know I listen more actively and honestly now. I catch myself trying to impose my own context on what I hear and/or contemplating how I'm going to respond. Because I have begun to recognize when I do this, I'm now able to try to stop these inclinations (or limit them at least). I'm sure I still impose my own context (it is human nature I think) and I know that I still sometimes start crafting my own response while the other person is talking... but... knowing and being aware is at least half the battle... so I'm making progress.

where do I go from here?

"Sam" did show up yesterday at school... a bit late but she did get there. She called me as requested and we spoke for a while.

My intuition was not correct (or has not been confirmed) - but her current situation is still extremely complex and worrisome. The following information comes from "Sam" - her advisor/teacher has confirmed some of it... but there is some concern that "Sam's" side of the story is somewhat biased (obviously - we are all biased when we tell our side of any situation).

Her grandmother, whose house she moved out of some time ago now, has canceled (turned off) her cell phone service ("Sam" says that she was paying the bill but that the service was in her Grandmother's name). Her grandmother has also reported both "Sam" and "Sam's" mother to whichever government agency handles disability cases and this has resulted in "Sam's" in the freezing of "Sam's" disability benefits. "Sam" is appealing this. The appeal process requires that she see a psychiatrist several times a week ("almost every day" to quote "Sam"). I am not completely clear why this is required - however I do know that her disability payments are based on the fact that she was diagnosed with some sort of PTSD (Post-Traumatic-Stress-Disorder) based on her previous living situation (prior to living with her grandmother). She indicated at one point that she thinks her grandmother is trying to have her committed... (there are more graphic descriptions that were used).

Her meeting at the school yesterday was for the purpose of re-evaluating her education plan - as she feels that these regular Dr. appointments will require her to not attend school as often or for as many hours each day. She is still motivated to finish her credits and graduate, but may not be able to do this even by the summer graduation date. She and her boyfriend are still living with his sister - but they are now (as I suspected) looking for a place of their own.

I felt that it was only appropriate at this point for me to address the education goals - so my suggestion to her was that she set up a weekly plan - schedule of both days and hours per day - that she would come to the program (much of the work she does there is self-study - but it is much easier to focus and concentrate there then it will be for her to do so in her current living situation). I suggest that she also outline what she would work on each day. I also suggested this to her advisor/teacher (who agreed that this was a good idea). Since I have no reliable way to reach her at this point (other than calling the school) - I asked her to call me again once she had the plan outlined - so that we could set specific days and times that I could come meet with her at school.

My concern now is that "Sam" isn't being completely honest with any of us (myself or the school... and perhaps not with herself either). I am not sure I can trust her to tell me the truth and I'm not sure she even has a firm grasp on the truth. I sense that she is determined to set herself up as the victim in this. I have sympathy for that - given her history - but I don't know that I am in a position to prevent it or turn it around. I am in fact feeling quite overwhelmed by this - I have in my life several close friends who have needed (and who I have given) fairly instance support (emotional support, moral support, physical support, etc)... but these were all people who I had established a fairly strong and deep relationship with before the support was needed. I don't have a relationship like that established with "Sam" and I now find myself questioning whether or not it is something that I can provide for her. This makes me profoundly sad - as it feels like giving-up (and also feels like failing).

The scary part is that I could see myself spending all my time tracking down what is really going on - finding the grandmother and hearing her side of it, finding the mother and doing the same, working with "Sam" for hours every day to help her get back on track... doing all this to the detriment of my other obligations (family, school, work, and myself). But - I don't think that is what being a mentor is really about.... that might be what being a social-worker and/or advocate is about... but that is different from being a mentor. Regardless - it isn't a role I can play - perhaps I just don't have the level of commitment necessary for this.

I begin to question if I was ever really a mentor for this young woman. Somehow I think I failed to set up the right boundaries in a productive way - both for myself and for her. Somehow I expected that she would set her basic path and I would help facilitate it by sharing with her what knowledge and skills I have and by helping her find strengths and talents within herself that she didn't know she had. This didn't happen... at times I thought it was happening... but now I'm not sure I saw the reality of what was happening. I know I've learned some significant lessons here - perhaps I will be able to articulate them better in the near future. Right now - I'm basically just depressed about how things have evolved... it is not what I would want for her.... it certainly isn't what I envisioned when I began this journey.

Still no news.. and more concerns.

Well - I've tried to reach "Sam" both at school and via her cell phone today - only to find out from school that her cell phone has been disconnected. Apparently she has not been at school for several days - and is coming in later today (in about half an hour) to meet with her advisor/teacher/etc. I offered to try to come to campus - but was advised not to do that. Her advisor/teacher will have her call me (if she shows up for her meeting) and explain everything to me (she - the advisor - was reluctant to explain it all herself).... Apparently, according to the advisor, "Sam's" life has become "increasingly complicated over the last week" and there are several things happening that she may or may not be able to cope with. I'm beginning to wonder if this is beyond my ability - but without any real understanding of the situation, I don't know.

So - I await contact, communication, news, or something.

=================


I continue to work with my colleague who is both Mentor and Mentee - he attended a "presenter" meeting today for those who will be presenting at the online symposium. I assisted him in setting up his audio (microphone) for the voice-over-ip and setting up the java-application for Elluminate (which is the online synchronous meeting application to be used). The meeting was informative for him and he is now ready to begin creating his presentation. We will sit down together either tomorrow or Friday to begin working on his presentation slides and his script (really more like "talking-points" or an outline). He also asked (this was his idea not mine) if we could have a second sign-on for the practice session and for the official presentation so that his colleague (that would be me) could sit in and provide support if needed (such as let him know if the application shares are showing any lag... ask a few questions to loosen things up if attendees are reluctant to participate... etc... also field text questions if they start coming too fast and furious during the presentation itself). I was particularly gratified that he did this - as I did not suggest it but I did talk to him about how I generally like to have a moderator and/or tech-support when I present online learning events. When we sit down to work on his presentation, I hope to introduce him to some basic instructional design strategies (as I did when we wrote the outline) that will help keep the attendees involved and actively engaged. We've talked about appropriate places to ask questions, request participation, etc. I'm looking forward to the next steps.

No news, good news? I somehow doubt that.

Still no contact from "Sam." I am concerned, but not sure how to proceed. Tomorrow, I will telephone the school to see if she is there... if she is... I may try to get down there before she leaves. I'll have to be very careful to not turn it into a confrontation (or to something that she perceives as a confrontation). I don't want her to begin to feel that I am somehow policing her - that is neither my desire nor my role.

Ironically - the situation at work grows better each day. My colleague has begun to express how much he values my contributions... I've noticed that he has begun to do this for others on the team too. I think this is a profound evolution in the way he communicates with us - as his natural inclination is to play the "clown" and crack jokes. He still lightens the mood whenever possible - but he has also become more and more apt to let people know when they are doing a good job and when he sees value in what they do. I think this shows that he is beginning to see the real value in what he does as well (and that gives him the confidence to articulate the value he recognizes in others).

The focus is changing again.

I rather avoided my mentoring blog for a couple of days.

"Sam" was not there on Thursday - and she has yet to return my messages (I don't want to overwhelm here w/ too many... so I'm going to wait until tomorrow to try again). I spoke with her councilor/teacher (my old boss). She assured me that "Sam" had an emergency of the kind that very likely caused her to completely forget that she had a meeting scheduled with me... (which is why she didn't call to tell me that she wouldn't be there). She would not disclose the nature of the emergency (as she wanted to give "Sam" a chance to tell me about it herself). She told me that "Sam" really values our work together and very much looks forward to our meetings and to talking with me. Then she apologized because she said when she suggested "Sam" as one of the students I might work with, she had no idea that so many "issues" would arise. I don't think she has anything to apologize for (and told her so) - these issues come up and the point was not to find some student who had no challenges in their life (no such thing really). One thing is quite obvious though... "Sam's" challenges will not be met and neatly overcome in time for the end of this course... I won't give up on her and I will continue to work with her through summer school if she wants me to... and regardless of whether she graduates in the spring, summer, or fall... if it is physically possible (and it should be) ... I will be there to see her graduate.

We spoke for a while about where "Sam" is at with her course work, her current living situation, some of the other family/personal issues. She (councilor/teacher) indicated that there is a new development in "Sam's" life that has diverted her focus even further. She would not specifically identify what that was (again - "Sam" would tell me herself). My suspicion is that "Sam" is pregnant. I base this intuition on many subtle signals from both the councilor/teacher and from some of what I've been hearing and seeing with Sam the last few times we spoke and/or met. If my suspicions are true, then "Sam's" focus will indeed change (and rightly so). If it is the case, I will have to work hard not to judge the situation based on my own path in life and the decisions I would make for myself.

"Sam" is her own person and has to make her own decisions. I know she is looking for a sense of belonging, love, and family ... and these desires can often lead to the decision (even the unconscious one) to try to have a baby.

Ironically - when she told me of her decision to move in with her boyfriend - we had a rather candid discussion about where that might lead (initiated by her not by me). She spoke of the fact that although she wanted to live with him she knew how to keep from getting pregnant and did not intend to have that be one of the results of living together. If it turns out that she is indeed pregnant (I still don't know that this is the case... but my intuition here is such a loud voice that I cannot ignore it) - so, if it turns out that she is then I will have to wonder if she was saying those things because I gave some unconscious sign that that was what I wanted to hear, if she was saying them because at the time that was honestly how she felt (very possible - such things can change in a very short amount of time), or saying them because she was trying to convince herself of it (also very possible - as we all do that from time to time).

I worry though that perhaps I should have been (or should try to be) more of a firm guide... my desire was for "Sam" to find her own focus - So while I tried to facilitate her achievement of the goals she set for her self by showing her how to set mini- goals along the way; by showing her some of the approaches I take for studying for exams, completing assignments, managing my time, and motivating myself to complete work that I'm not all that excited about; by making some simple suggestions about how to approach her move from her grandmothers house and how to set up some things for herself that are independent of her living situation (like getting a P.O. box) - I worked very hard not to actually do any of those things for her and I worked hard to resist the temptation to constantly call her and make sure that she was doing what I suggested. My belief was that she needed someone who would support her in the path she was on without trying to build the path for her and make her follow it.

When all is said and done in relation to this course (EDC639) - perhaps I've learned more about my own goals and my own path than I 've helped "Sam" to learn about hers. I've come to understand that mentoring is more than just sharing ones own knowledge from one's own point of view and saying some encouraging words. Mentoring is really about opening one's mind up to who the mentee is, what they want, and what they might do to achieve it.... and then it is about helping to create a context in which that might happen. My work with "Sam" has helped me to step out of my own little world when I work with others - it has made me a better team member at work, a better colleague, and has inspired me to work as an ongoing mentor with at least one of my team-members. While it may feel to me like I have not been as successful as I might have been with "Sam" - I have to look at the bigger picture. I have to keep reminding myself that others are on their own path and I can't set their path for them I can only help them navigate it if we both choose that.

Time

Reflections on what is and isn't working and why.

I've come to see my work with "Sam" as more of a learning experience for myself than for her. She is not currently in a very stable place in her life right now and I can only offer her so much stability (so much of what she needs right now must come from within herself and not from the outside). If I were somehow able to work directly with her (f2f... not via email or on the phone) on a daily basis that might have some greater impact... but it might not. I do wonder if I were a present daily if she would come to view me as just another adult "trying to control her life." The question is somewhat moot though, as daily f2f time is not something that is truly possible. My work schedule is flexible but not that flexible - I am able to take some time a couple of days a week to meet her at school and work with her, talk with her, listen to her, and so on. I could provide some weekend hours, but more often than not, she cancels (at the last minute) any weekend times we arrange so I've become hesitant to schedule them as I think change my obligations to others (and myself) only to find that the change was not necessary.

So - how is my work with "Sam" a learning experience for me? My work with her has taught me to be much more mindful of how I interact with my colleagues. It has caused me to question my interactions with them and how I might improve them. It has caused me to reflect on the why I assume that adults don't want, require, or thrive from the same kind of support and guidance that feel is natural to provide to a "student" and/or young adult. Through these reflections - I've improved my collaboration in my workplace and have found that I have a mentor/mentee relationship right here in the office.

I don't intend to "give-up" on her and I will stick with her past this "official" time (for my course this term) - but I have to let go of the idea that she will make some kind of monumental change in this short time or that I will somehow be the inspiration for such monumental change. Instead - it's time to concentrate on small things... a couple of credits (or even quarter credits) earned, a few assignments finished that she didn't think she could complete, a driver's license earned (yes - still working on that one), maybe some increased since of self-reflection on her part. I need to figure out how best to inspire that last part.... I had to come to the realization that the blog idea was far more exciting to me than it was to her. She was excited "for" me - but when it came to actually creating and keeping a blog - several obstacles arose. These included her unease w/ keyboarding, her lack of access to a computer anywhere other than school, her dislike of her English teacher and the teacher's disinterest in awarding credit for anything other than her own official assignments. I now realize that these obstacles could each be overcome if there was a real desire to use the blog - but there isn't at this time and that is not something I can (nor want to) force on her. So - I now need to find other ways to help her become more self-reflective. I'm not sure how to approach that yet. I meet with her again tomorrow... perhaps something will occur.

Ironically - even those struggles have helped me with my other Mentor/Mentee/Mentor relationship - my colleague here at work has become much more self-reflective (or perhaps he has become comfortable enough with me to let me into his reflection process). I've watched him change his own approach just as I've changed mine. He is more mindful of his impact on those around him and on how he can work in a way that motivates and supports the whole group.