Relationship Checkup

I debated about how to approach this checkup - as the relationship seems to have ended (or ended for now)... I have not heard from "Sam" since my last blog entry (March 20) and I suspect that I won't. It is unfortunate that there was no formal closure and no celebration... but perhaps that will come at some point in the future. For now, I continue to reflect on what I have learned and continue to learn from this experience.

And now - the "checkup"

My mentee and I met for not quite 3 months.

I do not feel that we established as much trust between us as I had hoped we would. Her own personal situation and history I think makes trusting others a real challenge for her. Her initial candor was perhaps in a way of protecting herself from being hurt or let down. My desire to see her succeed and to be a factor in her success inspired me to not look deep enough soon enough. Looking back I think I could have done a better job of recognizing my own “need for success” and how that colored the assumptions I made about what she was and wasn’t ready for.

While I felt (and feel) comfortable talking with my mentee about any frustrations I might have – I’m not convinced that she was comfortable doing the same with me. I suspect that she did not want me to ever think that she was upset or frustrated with me. I have no reason to think that she was upset or frustrated with me… but I do think that she wanted me to believe that every thing was going fine… possibly because it helped her convince herself that everything was fine. While she was comfortable talking to me about her frustrations with others (family, teachers, etc) – in retrospect I don’t think she would have told me if she were upset with me or dissatisfied with the work we did together.

I do think I made some headway in helping my mentee set goals and take steps to implement them. This was possible once I realized that the initial goals she set were very grand and that it was important to break them down into some smaller goals. I realized that my mentee was not yet in the habit of the entire process of achieving goals. She liked to set them but did not have the necessary tools to complete them. She needed to learn how to set smaller daily goals as a path toward the greater ones. While she did not achieve the greater ones during the short time we worked together, she did complete some smaller ones. Then, unfortunately, her personal (family and living) situation changed so radically that the remaining goals faded (hopefully temporarily).

The five things that were great: hmmmm…

1. I think “Sam” came closer to working on things one day at a time.
2. I think “Sam” started developing some time-management skills – I hope she will find a way to continue in that direction.
3. I certainly learned a great deal about the way I work with others and about some of the incorrect assumptions I had been making (almost unconsciously) about how to best work with and mentor others.
4. “Sam” got to work with a non-family member adult who listened to her carefully and tried to help her achieve her goals rather than try to make their goals for her hers.
5. I learned that my own definitions of “success” can be an obstacle in a mentor/mentee relation ship because it is too easy to project those definitions onto someone else.

The one thing I wish I could change… I wish that rather than abandoning the idea of “Sam” journaling electronically (blogging), I had worked more closely with her to help her gain enough keyboarding skills to be comfortable with blogging or that I had found another way to help her practice self-reflection. Looking back, I realize that I could have done a better job modeling reflective behavior for her. I assumed because she keeps a (paper) journal and writes poetry and short stories that she was naturally reflective. I should not have made this assumption. Later, as the challenges in her life took over with renewed vigor, it became clear to me that she has not yet learned to use reflection as a way of learning about herself and growing. Perhaps because I spend so much time thinking, reflecting, making connections, and journaling, I sub-consciously assume that others do the same and so don’t make enough of an effort to truly model that behavior. Thinking about that – I realize that I’ve also made the assumption that by practicing something I am by definition “modeling” it. Funny – I never made that connection before… practicing something for oneself and modeling it for others really isn’t the same thing at all… just as performing a choreography and teaching a choreography are two different things… they may come from the same general place… but they are not the same thing. Another lesson learned.

If I had to guess what “Sam” liked best about how we worked together I would say that it is the fact that I listened to her hopes, dreams, and goals and tried to work with her to help her achieve them without telling her that I thought she should have different goals. In fact – I think the listening in general is what same liked best. I listened, asked questions, and did my best to help her come to her own answers rather than tell her what I thought her answers were (or should be). This was a real challenge for me as I like to just “fix things.” I love solving problems and it is difficult for me to sit back and let someone else solve the problem in a different and to my perception less efficient way. I embraced this challenge with “Sam” and while I’m not sure it was entirely successful in the case of our relationship… it has helped me learn how to work with other people in a more collegial and productive way.

Sometimes I think “Sam” wishes I would take care of her problems and challenges for her – from giving her answers to her homework to telling her family how they should treat her. I hope she knows that I really do have her best interests in mind when I don’t do these things for her. We all would like someone else to carry our load for a while… but it is only by figuring out how to carry it ourselves (and what part of it really requires carrying at all) that we grow and evolve.