The focus is changing again.

I rather avoided my mentoring blog for a couple of days.

"Sam" was not there on Thursday - and she has yet to return my messages (I don't want to overwhelm here w/ too many... so I'm going to wait until tomorrow to try again). I spoke with her councilor/teacher (my old boss). She assured me that "Sam" had an emergency of the kind that very likely caused her to completely forget that she had a meeting scheduled with me... (which is why she didn't call to tell me that she wouldn't be there). She would not disclose the nature of the emergency (as she wanted to give "Sam" a chance to tell me about it herself). She told me that "Sam" really values our work together and very much looks forward to our meetings and to talking with me. Then she apologized because she said when she suggested "Sam" as one of the students I might work with, she had no idea that so many "issues" would arise. I don't think she has anything to apologize for (and told her so) - these issues come up and the point was not to find some student who had no challenges in their life (no such thing really). One thing is quite obvious though... "Sam's" challenges will not be met and neatly overcome in time for the end of this course... I won't give up on her and I will continue to work with her through summer school if she wants me to... and regardless of whether she graduates in the spring, summer, or fall... if it is physically possible (and it should be) ... I will be there to see her graduate.

We spoke for a while about where "Sam" is at with her course work, her current living situation, some of the other family/personal issues. She (councilor/teacher) indicated that there is a new development in "Sam's" life that has diverted her focus even further. She would not specifically identify what that was (again - "Sam" would tell me herself). My suspicion is that "Sam" is pregnant. I base this intuition on many subtle signals from both the councilor/teacher and from some of what I've been hearing and seeing with Sam the last few times we spoke and/or met. If my suspicions are true, then "Sam's" focus will indeed change (and rightly so). If it is the case, I will have to work hard not to judge the situation based on my own path in life and the decisions I would make for myself.

"Sam" is her own person and has to make her own decisions. I know she is looking for a sense of belonging, love, and family ... and these desires can often lead to the decision (even the unconscious one) to try to have a baby.

Ironically - when she told me of her decision to move in with her boyfriend - we had a rather candid discussion about where that might lead (initiated by her not by me). She spoke of the fact that although she wanted to live with him she knew how to keep from getting pregnant and did not intend to have that be one of the results of living together. If it turns out that she is indeed pregnant (I still don't know that this is the case... but my intuition here is such a loud voice that I cannot ignore it) - so, if it turns out that she is then I will have to wonder if she was saying those things because I gave some unconscious sign that that was what I wanted to hear, if she was saying them because at the time that was honestly how she felt (very possible - such things can change in a very short amount of time), or saying them because she was trying to convince herself of it (also very possible - as we all do that from time to time).

I worry though that perhaps I should have been (or should try to be) more of a firm guide... my desire was for "Sam" to find her own focus - So while I tried to facilitate her achievement of the goals she set for her self by showing her how to set mini- goals along the way; by showing her some of the approaches I take for studying for exams, completing assignments, managing my time, and motivating myself to complete work that I'm not all that excited about; by making some simple suggestions about how to approach her move from her grandmothers house and how to set up some things for herself that are independent of her living situation (like getting a P.O. box) - I worked very hard not to actually do any of those things for her and I worked hard to resist the temptation to constantly call her and make sure that she was doing what I suggested. My belief was that she needed someone who would support her in the path she was on without trying to build the path for her and make her follow it.

When all is said and done in relation to this course (EDC639) - perhaps I've learned more about my own goals and my own path than I 've helped "Sam" to learn about hers. I've come to understand that mentoring is more than just sharing ones own knowledge from one's own point of view and saying some encouraging words. Mentoring is really about opening one's mind up to who the mentee is, what they want, and what they might do to achieve it.... and then it is about helping to create a context in which that might happen. My work with "Sam" has helped me to step out of my own little world when I work with others - it has made me a better team member at work, a better colleague, and has inspired me to work as an ongoing mentor with at least one of my team-members. While it may feel to me like I have not been as successful as I might have been with "Sam" - I have to look at the bigger picture. I have to keep reminding myself that others are on their own path and I can't set their path for them I can only help them navigate it if we both choose that.