where do I go from here?

"Sam" did show up yesterday at school... a bit late but she did get there. She called me as requested and we spoke for a while.

My intuition was not correct (or has not been confirmed) - but her current situation is still extremely complex and worrisome. The following information comes from "Sam" - her advisor/teacher has confirmed some of it... but there is some concern that "Sam's" side of the story is somewhat biased (obviously - we are all biased when we tell our side of any situation).

Her grandmother, whose house she moved out of some time ago now, has canceled (turned off) her cell phone service ("Sam" says that she was paying the bill but that the service was in her Grandmother's name). Her grandmother has also reported both "Sam" and "Sam's" mother to whichever government agency handles disability cases and this has resulted in "Sam's" in the freezing of "Sam's" disability benefits. "Sam" is appealing this. The appeal process requires that she see a psychiatrist several times a week ("almost every day" to quote "Sam"). I am not completely clear why this is required - however I do know that her disability payments are based on the fact that she was diagnosed with some sort of PTSD (Post-Traumatic-Stress-Disorder) based on her previous living situation (prior to living with her grandmother). She indicated at one point that she thinks her grandmother is trying to have her committed... (there are more graphic descriptions that were used).

Her meeting at the school yesterday was for the purpose of re-evaluating her education plan - as she feels that these regular Dr. appointments will require her to not attend school as often or for as many hours each day. She is still motivated to finish her credits and graduate, but may not be able to do this even by the summer graduation date. She and her boyfriend are still living with his sister - but they are now (as I suspected) looking for a place of their own.

I felt that it was only appropriate at this point for me to address the education goals - so my suggestion to her was that she set up a weekly plan - schedule of both days and hours per day - that she would come to the program (much of the work she does there is self-study - but it is much easier to focus and concentrate there then it will be for her to do so in her current living situation). I suggest that she also outline what she would work on each day. I also suggested this to her advisor/teacher (who agreed that this was a good idea). Since I have no reliable way to reach her at this point (other than calling the school) - I asked her to call me again once she had the plan outlined - so that we could set specific days and times that I could come meet with her at school.

My concern now is that "Sam" isn't being completely honest with any of us (myself or the school... and perhaps not with herself either). I am not sure I can trust her to tell me the truth and I'm not sure she even has a firm grasp on the truth. I sense that she is determined to set herself up as the victim in this. I have sympathy for that - given her history - but I don't know that I am in a position to prevent it or turn it around. I am in fact feeling quite overwhelmed by this - I have in my life several close friends who have needed (and who I have given) fairly instance support (emotional support, moral support, physical support, etc)... but these were all people who I had established a fairly strong and deep relationship with before the support was needed. I don't have a relationship like that established with "Sam" and I now find myself questioning whether or not it is something that I can provide for her. This makes me profoundly sad - as it feels like giving-up (and also feels like failing).

The scary part is that I could see myself spending all my time tracking down what is really going on - finding the grandmother and hearing her side of it, finding the mother and doing the same, working with "Sam" for hours every day to help her get back on track... doing all this to the detriment of my other obligations (family, school, work, and myself). But - I don't think that is what being a mentor is really about.... that might be what being a social-worker and/or advocate is about... but that is different from being a mentor. Regardless - it isn't a role I can play - perhaps I just don't have the level of commitment necessary for this.

I begin to question if I was ever really a mentor for this young woman. Somehow I think I failed to set up the right boundaries in a productive way - both for myself and for her. Somehow I expected that she would set her basic path and I would help facilitate it by sharing with her what knowledge and skills I have and by helping her find strengths and talents within herself that she didn't know she had. This didn't happen... at times I thought it was happening... but now I'm not sure I saw the reality of what was happening. I know I've learned some significant lessons here - perhaps I will be able to articulate them better in the near future. Right now - I'm basically just depressed about how things have evolved... it is not what I would want for her.... it certainly isn't what I envisioned when I began this journey.